Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Things I Can't Yet Say

I'm just going through the motions. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm walking towards my own doom in a stupor and haze. It almost feels like sleep paralysis--completely and painfully aware of every molecule around me and every fiber of my being but powerless to control or interact.

I continue to drift towards that end I know is coming.
But I kid myself into thinking one more day won't make a difference.
But it's a day that's lost and can never be got again.
But it's a day spent under a charade--façade.
It's another day that I force myself to further endure this physical malady that I know is born within--that I know is an outward reflection of my stress, my sadness, my anxiety.

I'm no longer happy here. In fact, I haven't been happy here for a while. But I believed I could ignore what made me unhappy and focus on what did make me happy. But it was a fool's folly. I'm even more unhappy than before.

I need something else. I deserve to be completely happy and you deserve to be with someone who makes you equally as happy.

I do love you. More than I ever thought I ever could. I didn't know I was capable of this much love. But I don't think love is enough. There are other things people need in order to stay together and we simply don't have that. Though, I wish we did.

I don't want to hurt you which is why I can't put this off much longer. But I write it here in a public space amongst strangers that you'll never see it. I write it here in the hopes that it might help me decide if this is the right path and the right time to take that separate path. I write it here hoping that it might alleviate some of the pain and sadness inside me now--like a temporary pressure valve just barely keeping the tenuous balance.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Phew!


Once again, I'm back from my web hiatus! Life is crazy! And lots has happened!

I've bounded on a new journey since I got my tattoo. It has been a journey that started with an ethical dilemma.

The day after I got my new marks, I decided to abstain from eating meat. I remained a vegetarian for about two weeks before deciding to become fully vegan. It has been a very rewarding journey. In fact, it has been one of the most physically, mentally, and spiritually rewarding changes I have ever made in my life.

And now, next Saturday, I will be embarking on another amazing journey, though, this one is not spiritual in nature. My company is sending me to India to assist with training of one of our teams based out there. What an amazing opportunity I could not refuse! A chance to visit the oldest extant culture! A chance to immerse myself in an entirely non-Abrahamic culture!

While coworkers who have been and friends who have never been tell me I need to visit the normal tourist fare (the Taj Mahal and various markets and malls), I'm more excited to get caught up in their holy day celebrations and visit their temples!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Today Was a Good Day


I had been considering getting this tattoo for quite some time now. The original idea was to have the tattoo wrap around my bicep in a single line but the tattoo artist informed me that it would neither look good (as the different contours around the human bicep would warp the letter such that they would no longer be uniformly sized) nor be exactly as I imagined. They were very patient and kind in explaining the best match to what I wanted and this was the result. I'm very pleased!

This is not a tattoo I intend to display (it is easily covered by short-sleeved shirts) and it's really a mantra for myself, a self-enchantment as it were. I'm not revealing the meaning to anyone who cannot read it for themselves unless they are members of my immediate family or my best friends.

Afterwards, we went to a local festival with lots of art and cuisine. I met the Goddess within human form! A statue of a Water Goddess, found within an oasis in the middle of the city (they literally created an oasis amongst the concrete with real-grass "mats", flowers, and a water fountain in which she stood), had come alive to gift the people with water. Check it out, it's only five minutes long (watch in full screen):

Friday, April 29, 2011

The Green Man vs The Great Hunter


As a Pagan, I believe that the Created, i.e., the Universes of the Seen and Unseen world, were born of the Divine. I believe that every living organism, flora or fauna, was also designed (via the mechanism of evolution) by the Divine. I also believe that the Divine has also imbued us with not only Seen parts but Unseen ones and that some of these Unseen parts include souls. I think that humans are one of a handful of creatures whose unseen parts includes a self-aware soul and that while the majority of life on our planet has Unseen components, they do not have self-aware souls.

In ancient Egypt, this would be the relationship of the ba and ka. The ba was the component of the Unseen, a type of spiritual aspect of the being, that all living beings possessed. It was the most basic of the spirit-bodies an individual being had. I liken it to be the 'spark' of the Divine within all living organisms; the most basic common denominator between all life and the Divine. On the other hand, the ka was that spiritual part where one's consciousness, one's self-awareness, one's individuality, personhood, and ability to reason and think abstractly have root. The ka is the origin of sentience (in the sense of the word that implies human-level intelligence). The Ancient Egyptians believed that only humans had kau (plural form of 'ka'); animals did not.

I agree but with several exceptions. I believe there are a few other species that are self-aware and sentient, among them are: the Great Apes, elephants, and cetaceans (e.g., dolphins and whales). In this worldview of mine, we are required to treat all living beings with respect and honor though we might use them for our own needs like food and materials. Being sacred--being of and created by the Divine regardless of intelligence or 'sentience' as defined above--the animals we eat deserve our utmost reverence. We fulfill our roles as the Hunter and they, the prey. This has been the order of things for millennia, not only for humans but for all beings--the endless circle of predator and prey: a life is taken so that another might live; a sacral relationship were there ever one.

However! I also believe that while these prey animals are not sentient in the sense that I would consider humans, the Great Apes, dolphins, etc, they are sacred. And being sacred, regardless of whether or not they are sentient, are self-aware, have individual personalities, or think abstractly about art, philosophy or in a language, they are as much children of the Divine as we are and need to be treated accordingly. For every child of the Divine, I believe, has, at the very least, the right to lead a full life free of unnecessary suffering and slavery (after all, what are cattle but slave animals?). They may not have as highly evolved a mind as humans or dolphins but they do feel anxiety, pain, torture, suffering, and death. This alone makes me wonder if I should forego meat.

But, the meat-eater in me decries vegetarianism and insists that the Gods have created me to eat meat. Indeed, were it not for our meat-eating, we would never have evolved the intelligence to questions whether eating meat was ethical! The meat-eater insists that to eat the prey animals is to honor the cycles of life and death and the lessons of the Great Hunter and the meaning of sacrifice. But even the meat-eater in me admits there is no honor or value in our mainstream mass-production farming methods.

So, what is a Pagan to do? Honor the sacred in all life and be vegetarian or honor the cycles of life and death--the hunted and the hunter--and be omnivorous?

Perhaps there's a middle-ground? Be vegetarian in the fruitful seasons and only eat meat during the months of wane? But that doesn't solve the ethical dilemma of all life being sacred, free from slavery, and free from suffering.

Another answer would be to only eat animals raised and killed humanely? Would that be kosher? Do they have 'free-range' cows and turkeys?

Do you think about these things? What kinds of answers have you arrived at?

Monday, April 25, 2011

Sufferer's Tea


I suffer from serious, often-debilitating seasonal allergies. I have often been unable to focus, unable to breath, talk, or (in some cases) even get out of bed because of my seasonal allergies being so severe. While flushing my sinuses with water (nasal irrigation) works, it requires that I do it nearly every hour or I return back to square one. I've also tried every allergy medication--prescription or otherwise--under the sun and none work that let me stay awake. So, I decided to try a more natural approach. Lo and behold! I have found one that works!

Sufferer's Tea

Fresh mint (for healing)
Fresh chamomile (for purification)
Raw honey (for healing, purification, and strengthening)

Pour two parts of the honey into the bottom of your cup and infuse a tea directly into the cup of one part chamomile and one part mint. Stir. You shall 'see', below the surface of the tea, a warm golden-yellow, perhaps near-white glow to the concoction that emanates from an outward-moving spiral that starts in the center. It expands and pulsates until the entire cup is aglow.

Take four cups (32 oz.) prior to bed each night and within two days, one will find themselves relieved of their suffering.

Nota Bene:
The honey should be of local flora, collected by local bees for best effect. This can be purchased, I have found at local farmer's markets or from your local beekeeper, if you have one.

I have also noted that my allergies return with a vengeance if I abstain from the tea for more than one day.

This tea is also very effective in easing insomnia.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

A Midsummer Tale - Draft 1

A Midsummer Tale

My son, my son
I bid thee woke
For e'ry boy
Must end his run
Through wooded oak
An' blesséd joy.

My son, my son
Thine time has come
A man doth wait
For it's begun
Calm an' fearsome
He knows thine fate

My son, my son
Take heed advice:
To put an end
To spritely fun
Thine sacrifice
Must we attend



          He walked through the forest, its shimmering greens parting for him as they always had when he passed but this time there seemed to be a solemn reverence in their movement--this time they were genuflecting. The clearing was ahead; he could both see it and feel it. It was a palpable presence, an unmistakable tension. He knew he ought to run. More accurately, his instincts demanded that he turn around and dive deep back into the forest. He could go back to jumping wildly throughout the canopy, free-falling idly from on-high only to swing himself up before touching ground, he could continue his daily pranks on the lakeside beavers whose dams slowed the rivers and stagnated the pools downstream and who, he thought, took themselves much too seriously. He could go back to teaching the birds how to sing, taking idle naps in the darkest caves midday, and racing any stag from end to end, if he found one brazen enough. In fact, he was quite sure he would be able to do anything he wanted until the last star in the sky fell to Earth, if he would only just turn and run back.

         But, he knew he wouldn't. He knew he couldn't. He was compelled to keep moving towards the end of the lush green forest.

Monday, April 11, 2011

A Midsummer Tale


I've previously alluded to my inability to the 'connect' with the Sabbats. Being raised in a non-agrarian society and not directly living off the land, I find it difficult to relate the traditional mythos and traditions of the Sabbat with my spiritual and physical life. Additionally, I have found that the traditional narratives that run through the Pagan community tend to be more Goddess-based than God despite being solar holidays. It's almost as if the action of the God in the Sabbat myths is nothing more than backdrop whereas the action of the Goddess is the most important. Being raised in a patriarchal religion, I find the feminine bias in most modern Pagan myths to be just as unrelatable. So, I've decided to write own!

Originally, I wasn't going to post it until it was finished. But, this is supposed to be a place for my thoughts and the "crazy in my head", so I guess it's appropriate that I share here what I've been largely preoccupied with, no? I think each Sabbat is going to be a short-story and each short-story will begin with a poem. So, without further ado, the beginning of "A Midsummer Tale":

A Midsummer Tale

My son, my son,
Thine time has come
For e'ry boy
Must end his run
Through oak fulsome
An' blesséd joy.

My son, my son
Thine time has come
A man doth wait
For it's begun
Calm an' fearsome
He knows thine fate

My son, my son
Take heed advice:
To put an end
To spritely fun
Thine sacrifice
Must we attend



As you can see, I'm not a talented poet but these aren't really meant for an audience; they're meant for me. And, I'm sure you can also see that the b-verse in each stanza is giving me some trouble.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I Have Found God


I've been studying spirituality for the last 12 years and I get to points where I'm less confused. Not that I have all the answers but where, for the moment, I am comfortable with the answers I have been able to hash out. Then, some time later, something shakes me up again.

If you're never questioning, you're not thinking, I guess.

I believe that what we believe is important and that what we believe is not as important as that we believe. I believe in one God but I also believe in Many. I believe that these many gods are individuals, immutable, and separate but I also believe they are the same. I believe in gods that have names and gods that don't. I believe in personal gods, who are happy to be all up in our business, and I believe in impersonal gods, who are too busy making the Universe work to worry about the minutia of our daily lives. I believe in gods who are archetypes and gods who are unique.

I believe in a God who has a name and a face and a God whose only an idea that lives in the spark of things. I believe in a Goddess I have not met and a Goddess upon whose bosom I walk every day.

I'm a crossroads and I'm not sure what path to take.
I'm a crossroads and I'm not sure it matters.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Local Pagan Community


This jackal's path is a pretty solitary one. Indeed, I do walk another path that has many others following the same map and we are brothers and sisters in our faith and our temple. But the path which I have been documenting on this blog has been a largely solitary one since I began walking it 12-13 years ago. And I like it that way! Well, most of the time.

Sometimes, I feel the need to reach out and connect with others who might be walking similar paths as mine--paths that are not exactly parallel but are within earshot. I think it's both healthy for the mind and the spirituality to engage with others who have similar, if not the same interests and spiritual goals as yourself. In fact, that's one of the reasons I started this blog! I've met some very awesome people and have come across all kinds of new ideas and challenging questions! But, sometimes, it's also good to meet, commune, socialize, and engage with other like-minded folk in physical space, no? Good thing I live in a big city, right? NOT.

I live in one of America's top 5 most largest and most populous cities and can count on one hand the number of other Pagans I have met in this city. I know many who live around my city (e.g., in the suburbs or the next state over) but only a handful who are within easy commuting distance. What is up with that?

I'm thinking of maybe starting a meet-up or a study group. But I'm not looking to start my own coven or particularly share in rituals with others. Perhaps I will if I get to know this as-of-yet hypothetical group but the point would be more social and communal than fraternal and spiritual. But I bet trying to track down and group together a bunch of Pagans would be much like herding the proverbial cats. I think maybe I'll try to find some people and begin a chill meet-up in a coffee shop and maybe a movie night at my apartment.

Do you have a community in your area? Do you regularly engage them? Is having a community or others of like-mind important to you? Or, are you completely content to keep your spiritual life completely and utterly separate and solitary?

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Pagan Bling!


Last year, while first coming across the Pagan World of Blogger, I had come across a blogger who also had two very awesome Etsy stores. While doing some browsing and perusing, as I do, I found the single most beautiful pentacle I ever come across.

So as not to confuse or appear as if my excitement is neither genuine nor appropriate, let me just explain that, as a man, to find pentacle that is neither too plan nor too feminine is... well, let's just say, I'd rather be searching for Bigfoot! Most pentacles I seem to find are either bedazzled with all manners and qualities of gemstones or are otherwise adorned with feminine symbols (e.g., Goddess symbol, Triple Godess Symbol, or moon iconography).

But, quite honestly, besides that, this pentacle just called to me! T'is a beaut, indeed. It, to me, emanates the perfect balance of masculinity and femininity! A woven-style pentacle cut deep into a silver disc which is overlaid upon a larger copper disc! It hums with perfection and I am very pleased and excited.

So, by virtue of this post, I would like to extend a very grateful "Thank you" to Mel Kickland for her beautiful craftsmanship and whatever muses inspired her to create such a beautiful piece! If you get a chance, check out her stores: MoonLit Creations and Earthen Creations!