The Things I Can't Yet Say

I'm just going through the motions. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm walking towards my own doom in a stupor and haze. It almost feels like sleep paralysis--completely and painfully aware of every molecule around me and every fiber of my being but powerless to control or interact.

I continue to drift towards that end I know is coming.

But I kid myself into thinking one more day won't make a difference.

But it's a day that's lost and can never be got again.

But it's a day spent under a charade--façade.

It's another day that I force myself to further endure this physical malady that I know is born within--that I know is an outward reflection of my stress, my sadness, my anxiety.

I'm no longer happy here. In fact, I haven't been happy here for a while. But I believed I could ignore what made me unhappy and focus on what did make me happy. But it was a fool's folly. I'm even more unhappy than before.

I need something else. I deserve to be completely happy and you deserve to be with someone who makes you equally as happy.

I do love you. More than I ever thought I ever could. I didn't know I was capable of this much love. But I don't think love is enough. There are other things people need in order to stay together and we simply don't have that. Though, I wish we did.

I don't want to hurt you which is why I can't put this off much longer. But I write it here in a public space amongst strangers that you'll never see it. I write it here in the hopes that it might help me decide if this is the right path and the right time to take that separate path. I write it here hoping that it might alleviate some of the pain and sadness inside me now--like a temporary pressure valve just barely keeping the tenuous balance.