First off, let me just apologize to those few who have stuck around! Regardless of whether or not you remain subscribed because you figured that I, like many bloggers, just drop off the face of the Earth for a while only to return or because you you just forgot you had a subscription here, I thank you! It honestly doesn't matter to me because I'm just grateful that I didn't sign back on to find myself at 0! Nothing is more isolating or capable of making you feel lonely than you already are than finding that the Internet--of all things--has abandoned you when you finally have something to say and the time to say it!
It's Spring, so naturally, change is in the air. I suppose it'd be exceptionally dense of me not to recognize this fact when considering all the changes I've been feeling and noticing, some intentional, most not.
I haven't been sleeping well the last three weeks and am not able to pinpoint a particular cause. It's not insomnia as I'm not tired and don't doze off or attempt to recoup missed hours of sleep. I'm just not tired. And when I do sleep, it's more often like a trance or a light sleep to the point where I am still on some level very much aware of my surroundings (e.g., the position of my significant other, the sounds outside my window, the sounds from the apt above my own, etc). It's not so much a "shutting down" that I normally experience with sleep but a quiet stillness. The lack of dreams also is indicative that I'm not sleeping as my dreams are often lengthy and colorful, to say the least. I know it can't possibly be stress because I've been the most UNstressed than I ever have been in recent memory! Money is good, job is good, I'm on hiatus from school, and bills are paid. So what gives?! Quite honestly, it feels as if there's so much going on in me... or around me... or THROUGH ME (!)... that is preventing me from sleeping. I'm glad I'm documenting this because I'd be very interested in seeing how I feel this time 2012.
Unrelated (or maybe not) I've been feeling like a lost ship out to sea when it comes to spirituality. I know there is a safe and familiar harbor nearby that I am always welcome to return to and should and do want to return to in the near future to continue to cultivate my relationships there. However, for the current course I have laid and the current objectives I have set, returning to that harbor would be counter-productive. (Wow, Waben, way to take an analogy and run with it. Can you take it any further? Let's see!) The major problem is that, though I know I have this burning desire to explore lands I've only ever heard about, I have no specific goals or destinations nor do I have any inkling which direction the wind is blowing. Hell, I'm beginning to think that the wind isn't blowing at all!
This loss of focus is--and there is no doubt in my mind about this--due to, in some exponentially large part, the fact that I have been spending the better part of the last two years trying to reign my newly-minted adult life into control. There were some seriously tumultuous times due to finances, personal relationships, careers/academics, and other worldly obligations. I think my preoccupation with the mundane concerns of life have robbed me of that focused shine I had when I was younger and had the luxury of being able to withdraw completely within myself (and therefore, by extension, completely beyond myself) and study every nook and cranny of the psycho-spiritual experience that was my own existence. But, what had become an exhausting effort combatting one fire-fight after another in the mundane world left me too preoccupied to think of anything else other than how I was going to budget my next necessary-expense.
So how say you all? Have you had this experience? Has your mundane life often or for a long period befuddled your spiritual one? Is this just another one of those trappings of growing up and becoming an adult? Because if so, someone needs to say it! 'Being an adult sucks!' Oh, what's that? People say that all the time? Well what are we doing about it, then, peoples? What do you do about it? How do you restore balance to a life that's making unbalanced demands?
By the way, you may have noticed that I referred to myself as 'Waben' earlier. That's actually my name proper but when I created this account Google demanded a name with 6 characters or more. I thought the current spelling in my username would work but have come to understand that the additional vowel creates a word that sounds like 'way-ben' as opposed to the appropriate 'wah-ben'. I'm going to have to brainstorm an acceptable alternative.
(P.S.- You will please forgive any inappropriate capitlizations or misspellings in this post. I've written this entry entry on my iPhone's browser and it's extremely tedious to type upon.)
(P. P. S.- If you know of any good cheap or free blogging apps for iOS you can personally recommend, t'would be awesome!)
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